Maechen's Method of Sneaking
by sagdragon3002
Summary: How, exactly, did Maechen manage to get in to Leblanc's treasure room? Aren't there supposed to be guards at the entrances? Slightly cracky oneshot.


Disclaimer: (checks pockets; checks backpack; checks desk, bookcase, refrigerator, closet, books, printer, computer, and microwave.) Poopie. Santa didn't stop by and give me ownership of FFX-2. Which, consequently, means I don't own it, the characters within, any references made to it, etc.

Summary: How, exactly, did Maechen manage to get in to Leblanc's treasure room? Aren't there supposed to be guards at the entrances? Pure crack, no plot.

* * *

_My, how the world has changed_, an elderly, scholarly, lengthy-bearded man wandered through Guadosalam with shuffled steps, hands folded behind his back. 

The populace of Guadosalam seemed to overlook the scholar entirely, though he didn't overlook them. The scholar, also known as Maechen (because that was the name his parents from long before had given him, so that was the name he referred to himself with), noticed the marked lack of Guados in their namesake city and the presence of overly curious humanoids. He felt sadness at this change in Spira, for the Guado always had such fascinating history (even when they didn't wish to hear it from him). Maechen also felt excited, for this was a convoluted time in Spira and therefore had much to learn and observe to relay to future generations.

But yes, he was most certainly grieving for the Guado's loss.

But mostly he drooled over the prospect of having another chapter in Spira's history to tuck into his belt and entertain future youngsters.

Pausing in his step, Maechen cocked his ear to the sky. Odd, he could have sworn he had heard a chiming sound in tune with the word 'chapter.' _Very odd indeed. . . ._

Maechen came to the foot of a short stair, the steps leading to the doorway of Chateau Leblanc, previously the home of Maester Seymour Guado. Two guards stood on either side, ignoring the scholar determinedly. They were to keep _anyone_ from entering, at _any_ cost, and that took a lot of concentration. Especially when Leblanc began shrieking for Ormi and Logos to "Find that sphere for Noojie-Woojie!"

As Maechen surveyed the changed residence, two humans behind him began arguing over a piece of data. The argument became rather violent, with explosions of unmastered Fire spells colliding with unfocused Confusion casts.

The guards yelped and stepped from their posts, hoping to stop the fight before things got out of hand and people hurt (namely, them). The commotion was heard from within the Chateau, and others came out to watch the mayhem. This, consequently, left the doors wide open.

Maechen had heard of breaking and entering, to be certain. He could recite the exact history of the phrase, from whence it came, who had first spoken those words, to whom they had been spoken, and many other things related to the phrase.

But, the doors were open, as previously observed. This meant he wasn't breaking anything. And really, it was more like an invitation to the public to enter. And Maechen was the public. So Maechen entered.

The staircases were grand, the paintings equally magnificent, and—ooh, was that an orange?

Maechen slowly shuffled forward, peering at the fruit. Oh, yes, indeed it was. He took a moment to consider its history and . . . well, to be concise, it took several minutes to finish his contemplation.

Having finished perusing the orange (and suspiciously enough, the fruit had disappeared . . .) Maechen went through the doors on the ground floor, since that many stairs would have given him palpitations.

Even more fruit greeted him past the door, and Maechen would've taken the time to give each fruit its proper due when he saw the guard standing by a secret passage.

Of course, given the nature of secret passages, Maechen wouldn't have known it was there unless it was open. Lo and behold, the secret passage was open.

"What am I gonna do?" the guard muttered to himself, scratching his head. "The boss is gonna kill me if she finds out I'm the one that didn't get to my post quick enough to prevent those Dullwings from getting access. Ugh, this job doesn't pay enough. With all the estrogen in the air, it's like being constantly in a bath of PMS."

Maechen wondered if this man would enjoy a story. "Excuse me," he said aloud.

The guard turned quickly, and he flinched. "Er, uh, what do you want, old man?" he asked, sidling in front of the passage's entrance.

"I was wondering if you wished to hear the _fascinating_ history of Guadosalam?" Maechen offered.

"Er, no thanks. I'm not interested."

"Oh, a pity. Well, shall I tell you the history of the apple? It, too, has a _fascinating_ history—"

"Hey, look, if I say yes, will you go away and not tell anyone about, uh, this?" the guard jerked his thumb at the passage. "It's supposed to be a secret."

"Wonderful," Maechen nodded, and proceeded to inform the guard of the apple's history. He used beautiful, flowing words that did the apple justice, full of drama and tragedy at all the right spots. He spoke for well over twenty minutes, coming to a close with, "And that, as they say, is that."

The guard was unconscious, and that was that.

Maechen looked down pityingly at the man who drooled on the floor. He had been so overwhelmed by the facts that he needed some sleep to assimilate everything. Shrugging, Maechen turned and nearly left to amuse himself with the fruit when he heard frantic, feminine shouting and what sounded like, "Snaaaaaaaake!"

"Hmm, curious." Maechen shuffled into the passage, not at all disturbed by the poor lighting or fiends that had found some way into the Chateau. In fact, after witnessing a Queen Coeurl fall to Maechen's mighty lung capacity and monotone, most of the fiends fled from the historian and spread the word to the rest of the fiends.

Hearing conversation and what sounded like a tall, thin man getting hit by an Al Bhed's fist accompanied by, "You pervert!" Maechen followed the noise. In a room full of treasure, Maechen found Rikku, Paine, Logos (who bore an impressive lump on his noggin), and Lady Yuna, who was preoccupied with watching a treasure sphere.

_Hmmm, I remember the events therein. Perhaps they would like to hear a story . . . ._


End file.
